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Reg

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OH SHIT. [10 Jun 2012|04:36am]
Around this time last year, I found myself in the blank page between the chapter that was and the chapter to be. A significant portion of my then 22-year life had ended and a life-changing possibility was looming just around the corner. As much confusion as there was, hope and opportunity were beckoning. All I could do then was look forward and hold on to this faint spark and pray it ignited. And it did. I spent 8 weeks of independence in a different continent. It was in the unfamiliar that I got familiar with myself.

Yet now, I've come to this. I spent the last hour going through my Europe photos, wallowing in nostalgia and reliving moments in that no longer unfamiliar city, when I realized I was in reverse. The trip that brought back the enthusiasm I've lost is the same thing that's hindering my enthusiasm now. A big ass opportunity is currently being processed and truth be told, after the first few weeks of being intoxicated by the idea of living somewhere else, it's becoming really terrifying. There's something unfamiliar with the familiarity of that place. It just didn't feelright. There was no "!" unlike my first morning here. Or maybe - I'm deathly scared by this thought - the bar has been set so high that I've lost the capacity to be blown away. Or it can also just be that I'm too rigid and my psychosis of wanting everything to happen the way I envisioned it to be is acting up again. Expectations vs Reality, Regina.

It's just harder now than one year before coz I'm facing a crossroad instead of an explicit "this way". Both paths have advantages and disadvantages and a decision must be made on where I'd trod next. I just don't wanna screw this up coz we're talking the next couple of years of my life here. *panics* Maybe I should stop thinking (ok, not really a good idea since it's my impulsiveness that got me here in the first place), just let go and let God. After all, I've grown quite familiar to this unfamiliar plane where all I can do is look forward, hold on to a faint spark and hope it ignites.
love me, love me

5 months later [16 Feb 2012|01:54am]
It's funny that 5 months later, I find myself typing in this blog again. And surprise surprise, it's still about the last entry I wrote here. This time, I write not because I'm trying to analyze things but rather because I find myself courageous enough to do so. Or apparently, so I thought because as close as I am to spilling my guts here, apprehension strikes. :)) I wish I could tell you how confused I am at the moment. How the things I've held constant are presenting themselves as something else. How my heart skipped a beat and how it fell into a million pieces soon after. Not because it was something I didn't want, but because it was something I wanted. I never really thought that getting what you want could possibly pain a person so much - until this. 
love me, love me

REGRET REGRETS [04 Sep 2011|05:05am]
I hit my head really hard this morning as I was entering the car. By evening, it was still hurting that I got worried that what if it was severe and fatal (paranoid much, I know) and that what if my life was only up to that point. I came to thinking about regrets. I don't know why, but regrets have been teasing my thoughts lately. Maybe it's a reminder to never take things for granted.. maybe it's to steer life back on track.. or maybe it's just the pang of the possibilities of the what might've been coz let's face it, when we think of the what might've beens, they always seem sunnier and have greener grass.

My friends and I were talking about regrets recently... and we agreed that regret becomes more "acceptable" when we come to terms that had we chosen this regret, the other things going on in our life might not have happened. I mean personally, this is a much better argument as compared to the no use regretting coz it's in the past cliche (although it's true as well).

I guess it just has to be accepted, it did/didn't happen and this is your life right now - deal with it. I have 3 regrets in life, the top 2 being as is already while the third one seems to have a life of it's own, haha. And the thing about this particular regret is that it has never quite settled on its gravity, it keeps on fluctuating and dancing in the border line. It's the biggest and at the same time smallest "what if" in my life. The hassle of it all is that this regret has the worst timing ever. Sometimes it's just for a sec, sometimes it's for a day, but always when I'm offguard. When it strikes, I find myself questioning it.. and when I find myself victorious in the sense that I think I've rid myself of the regret by using logic, my reasons, no matter how seemingly stable, crumble because of this unknown feeling towards it I myself can't explain. Thus the repeat of this process. Crazy. I guess it has and will always be there. It's just its unsettled weight that unsettles me.

Maybe the internal struggle says everything about this regret. Maybe it has catapaulted into where it is now because I keep analyzing the why and the how and I can't come up with anything to explain it or to silence it the way I do most "regrets" (see, they're no longer regrets!!). Or maybe it's just not yet time for me to figure this out. Or maybe it's Ocamm's razor and the answer is always the simplest. Maybe I should stop complaining it makes no sense when in fact it makes perfect sense. Or maybe I just need to go back to sleep, haha
love me, love me

[12 Feb 2011|12:25pm]
i'm really in a pissy cranky mood and i can't pinpoint the exact reason yet. god i miss blogging here and letting out all my negativity and pessimism that i usually just shrug off. but for today, i can't just shrug it off. i'm in a weird state where everything is just so irritating and annoying and dumb and stupid. i hate feeling like this.
love me, love me

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